i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
