My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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