I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
