Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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