The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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