I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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