i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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