I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
