I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
