I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
