you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
