I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
