"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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