He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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