a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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