she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
