he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
