Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The dick lei will go down in squad history
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
