Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
