it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
