Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way