I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
