***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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