If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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