Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The uberlube is also flammable
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
