He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
