My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
