saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
