She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
