she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
