Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
