"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
did i just pee glitter
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
