hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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