i wish my penis had a tongue
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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