Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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