my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
