I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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