I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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