If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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