I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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