I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
