I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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