i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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