You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
