No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
