I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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