He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
