I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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