Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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