kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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