I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We talked him into tasing himself.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
