There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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