The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
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