I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
