she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
