Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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