So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
