Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
