You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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