I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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